things have changed in my life lately.....

i have broken up with my boyfriend of three months....i have gained sooo many wonderful memories and experiences from this relationship and i am sad to see it end....hopefully we will become friends but for right now i dont think that is an option

ive been doing a lot of thinking lately.....thinking about my past decisions....my past memories...and my past relationships. One that comes to mind is the relationship between me and leslie. For so long i have been dreaming of our relationship being restored and being so much better then it ever had... I always thought about the bad that has come from my decision to be with eric in which simultaneoulsy meant losing leslie.... i always that that nothing could compare to the bond between leslie and i.....i thought about what i had lost....what i could never have again...but i never thought about what good has come from my decision...i know seems impossible to have anything good come from losing your best friend...

Some of the good things that have come from me and leslie parting is the amazing relationship i had with eric.... i had soo much fun with him and i really cared about him and he cared about me...so many good times...we had a great connection,....unfortunalely the "magic" died.

As you all know Andrew Joseph Ferry is my bestest friend in the whole world. This kid means soo much to me. I mean i can go to him about anything and u probably think "oh hes a guy, he wont understand" but u know what he does. He gives the best advice and i trust him with my whole life because out of everybody hes the one that always wants the best for me and he cares for me more then anybody should. He is like my safe place....i can go to him when im upset, depressed, happy, hurt, whenever and he listens. He blows me away. He knows what im feeling just by looking at me or if i say something wierd he'll know something is wrong. No matter how much i deny it he knows. I hate to say this cuz i think of myself as pretty independent but without him to be there and to care about things i do and choices i make i wouldnt survive. I hate to say this too but if leslie and i hadnt stopped being friends then the relationship between aj and i could have never grown into what it is too... I love him soo much and its not love where the word is thrown around its real because i care about him soo much and he makes happy and i can only hope i have the same effect on him because he means soo much to me and more.

Rocky i love you too! we hadnt talked in a while and i dont really know why. these last few weeks catching up with you reminded me soo much of summer...how your always there and we can just go out and do nothing and still joke around and have an awesome time. i know i can always go to you about everything and you come to me too.... i love it cuz we have this awesome bond and we understand each soo well.  i get you and you get me. We have serious talks and ridicuolous talks.....what more can a girl ask from one of her best friends. The fact that we can go and party and have fun to where we can cry together and just listen to each.... I know when i call you you will be there and you will listen and just let me cry and you can do the same with me. I love you babe!

So what im saying is that i dont regret what i did and ive wasted all this time trying to explain to leslie and trying to get her to understand and trying to get her to forgive me...mostly trying to get our relationship back...but i realize that i dont need it. I mean if we could be friends again that would be great too but its not gonna happen and im not gonna waste anymore time trying because i have everything i need right now without her....I have my best friends Aj and Roxanne. So instead of living in the past im going to move on without leslie and i dont think ill be looking back...I dont say this to be mean leslie and i hope you know that. You have friends who support you and care abotu you too and you have moved on. Now its  my turn to live my life without you.

Aj and Roxanne i love you two soo much! Thank You!

wow its been a long time since i last posted..guess i totally forgot about this thing.....well hIgHsChOoL now! its alright not much different....or atleast i dont feel different....academically,....emotionaly im pretty fucked up....

i shouldve listened...i shouldve understood...but no i fought with you all summer....i guess that was our decline....we had battled together against all evil forces (stupid bitchass hoes (eric, mary, kyle)) we had our love affairs (wivial sex games) and we had our addictions (shopping...gossip...boyz!) we had made a great team...one that will never be forgotten...or maybe it will. we parted ways thinking "oh summer camps be back next week" physically yes....but mentally we battled at each other's return. we claimed we were always allys through and through...boy did we highly underestimate the enemy (our friendship's problems). Although once the days battles were done we had relaxed back into our usual routine: feasting(ice cream), entertainment(singing along with grease), and catching up...alas my favorite part. We lounged all summer with minor squirmishes.....u were taking on texas and i was continually fighting walnut creek and concord....i had taken on a new partner while u were off in war...it crushed you when u got wind of the pairing...i brushed off ur concerns as if they were preposterous...but they werent....i was too self absorbed to realize you were really scared.... things were going on with you both in the texas battle grounds and the battles within ur own life....but now ur supposedly loyal commander in chief never realized...how could that be...how hurt and betrayed and alone u must of felt...but as a brave warrior u trekked on trying to revive the dying alliance between you and your best friend...life continues u thought she will notice...life did continue...she just never noticed...You went on with summer taking on camps and soldiers(hot guyz!) You were thrilled to come back...excitedly spilling the details of ur sordid adventures...you thought i didnt believe in which is the truth...but what u never were told was that i did believe you...me being the impressionable age and having dumb friends made mockery of believing you and with that i did believe no more...dumb i know....you were so upset with that tidbit of information....it hit u hard as if you had been shot down from ur noble steed (shrek donated that line).That was perhaps another hole in the boat of our frienship. life went on u kept thinking...shes gonna change for the better....because in that summer you had changed....that really scared her..u didnt know this but i was scared more then anything of losing you...so i acted tougher and as if i didnt care u were moving on and leaving me behind...cuz seriously thats what i thought was happening....the last straw...i fell for the ultimate enemy....i pried and pried at you until u said ok making promises i said i would keep regardless of the situation....by this time we were battle one another as fierceful enemies...as if there was never an alliance...all had gone away...but really we were both putting on fake facades...or atleast i was...yes i pretending to not care and i pretended to hate you...cuz it was too hard to just move on with out you...i shouldve left him behind and let us evolve as you were...but no...feelings over came me and proved to be our relationship and my own downfall...we have squirmishes every now and then...me fighting back as if every word u wrote bounced off me but really it sank into my heart and soul ripping the ever growing gap wider and deeper...now i sit her and read of old times when we both wrote in our (online) journals of our previous life together...the era that we both lived in....it was as intoxicating as neverland is to peter pan...a wonderful place where no one grows old and everyone sticks together...our neverland was destroyed, everynow and then i catch glimpses of it which make me cave more then seeing u with ur friends at school....my knees grow weak everytime i watch grease... and i cant find the words to sing as if they are forbidden to a time that was lost. yes i say i regret... but u say dont and learn...i can learn but never go back for i have undoubtly burnt that bridge to our happy neverland...

in conclusion i can only give my deepest and heartfelt apology and hope u understand the story...it was one on my most painful nights tonight....every word i wrote took me back to a time when i can say i was truly happy with you which was basically everyday...knowing i could call you and u would be there...no one could ever replace you regardless of what you think....and no one can ever fill the hole( i spelled it right!) of loneliness, stupidity, and love for the twin i never had...for remember together we are a supermodel.... divided i am just an average person hoping and dreaming of what will never come and you are an extraordinary person who has undoubtly changed for so much better and matured...leaving behind everything that was destroyed...

ok WOW its been hella long since i last updated....sorry

anyway i went to a teen camp and it was HELLA fun! hung out with kids my age all week and did really really fun things....like:

MONDAY~ bowling, pizza, movie (Anchorman)

TUESDAY~ marine world

WEDNESDAY~ scandia, lunch, swimming

THURSDAY~ great america

FRIDAY~ waterworld

see see hella fun hella fun

anyway then after that i started my work...im a jr. rec. couselor for Foothill Day Camp....yes i have to go to foothill everyday...sux huh??

but its a lot of fun i get to work with kids and i get to meet a lot of ppl and we go on fun field trips...i also met my boyfried here....and no hes not a camper..hes a jr. rec along with me...

His name is Mike....hes 14 years old....5'6..hella nice body....brownish black hair....plays soccer for an U-19 team and is going to De La Salle this year....and playing soccer for them....omg too die for...hella sweet...hella funnie...just an all around great guy..i love being with him

Um...Leslie and i got into another fight that was completely stupid where i dont really understand why we got into it...but hopefully it doesnt ruin our friendship cuz she may not noe it but i love her to death and she is my best friend and nothing is going to change that .....i love that girl....dont tell her i said any of this...she'll think im not mad and that i really do miss her cuz im kinda holding a grudge on her blaming me and saying some very untrue things....but w/e i do miss her a lot...

okay...Scott and i got into a fight but the funnie part was that i wasnt part of it...he just yelled at my away msg...wierd huh? i dont know i was kinda hurt by what he said....well heres the truth about how i feel about scott: I seriously love scott to death...hes my best friend..it scares me cuz i can see myself with him for a while...and yeah it does scare me....and i do like him....im just not emotionally and mentally ready for a relationship of that magnitude....i just scott doesnt throw all of this away...cuz i would be lost with out him...and i know he says it wont affect our friendship but it will and it has and that wont change...like i dont know if i could look him in the eye after what he said...it just hurts..

ok dont get me wrong i love scott but im unusually happy with mike and even though he lives in Antioch we both are going to try to keep us going on...i realy really like him....hes different from what im used to dating...hes mysterious...hes i dunno....something about him enthralls and entices me...hehehe

next...ROCKY!! gurl i miss you soo much! i hope ur having a great great time in Kansas! ur also one of my best friends...and u know it...we have soo many great time...Waterfall..LOL! sorry about ur party and i love you soo much...did i mention i was sorry! well i cant wait till u get back cuz i miss you!!

alrighty thats all for today....by the way I LOVE MIKE!!

night

ok where did i leave off...oh ok..

anyways so i was sitting with spencer on a tube in the lazy river...his arms were around me...omg i loved it...so we were all talking and then the four of us went to the Wave Pool and the guys (gentlemen) let us have the tubes and the held onto our tubes and our hands....hella sweet... and then we had to get out but they guided our tubes all the way out....they are just soo great...

so wht if baratta and spencer are "bad boys" its kinda sexi and they both have a really big sweet side...and rocky thinks baratta is sexy and i think spencer is gorgeous....omg i cant wait till next monday...ok getting my hopes up that he may actually like me....anyway i wouldnt make out with him today cuz i just met him but next monday i will be more of a slut! lol! rocky!

i love you rocky....tony ur awesome and special......Spencer~ i kinda like you and ur gorgeous...

byez!

OMG today was the best damn day ever! YAY!! we went to waterworld...hella fun! anyways...me, katy,rocky,priya,dan,kyle,nicky, anthony baratta, and his gorgeous friend Spencer was there! hella fun...well some of us got there early....and some stupid ppl decided to ditch us when they planned the trip...hella gay....

anyway better they didnt go...i had soo much fun...

well rocky and i made out in the waterfalls but that was just a dare and didnt mean nothing besides fooling around and being stupid...

anyways soo much fun just hanging...well dan,kyle,nicky went to the big kahuna and Me, Spencer, Baratta, and Rocky went to the lazy river and like we had two tubes...so since rocky started liking baratta and they were flirting they sat together..her on top of him...and then i was starting to like spencer (gorgeous by the way) he asked me to sit with him....omg..highlite of the day... ill finish all this when i get to my moms!